Welcome to the circus!

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 It’s now been a little over three months since we’ve became a family of five. These days my hands are quite full, literally. I often feel like the scene in the movie “Dodgeball” where the guy in the wheelchair says “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball”! I find myself running ragged from one thing to the next on my long mental list of today’s to do items. Feed the kids, feed the baby, did I feed myself? Dress the kids, dress the baby, are these the same clothes I wore yesterday?! Oh look at this mess in the kid’s rooms. Who got toothpaste all over the bathroom sink? Why is there mud on the wall? Who left their undies behind the door? The sink is full again, must have forgotten to start the dishwasher. The laundry hamper is full already? Didn’t I just do that yesterday? Why do you need another snack? You just ate three waffles, five strawberries, a half banana, and juice like ten minutes ago! Stop teasing your brother, stop teasing the dog, and just stop. Oh hallelujah - time for bed! No you’re not having another snack, I’ve already read you five books, you just went potty, it doesn’t matter what mom and dad are doing, I don’t know why the earth is round and for the love of all things just lay down and close your eyes!

 

Does this sound familiar or is my house the only circus in town? Most of my days I am a hot mess. A frazzled, overtired, lack of self care, unwashed hair, and wearing the same clothes I probably owned ten years ago. To be quite honest, 99% of the time I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. You would think by the third kid, I would be some sort of veteran mom, but nope. I’m just trying my hardest with my little circus that I’ve got. 

 

A couple weeks ago, we took the kids to the carnival in town. There were some kids games and activities going on that the older two got to enjoy. It was going well, until my three year old did not quite seem to understand the game. He was confused, a little lost, and just kind of going with the flow when he tripped and fell on the concrete. He quickly got up but as soon as he saw everyone looking at him, he lost it. My momma’s heart hurt for him as he felt ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, and maybe a little guilty that he ruined the game. He came running to me with open arms, wanting to be comforted. I was more than happy to comfort him and assure him that he was alright.

 

And sometimes I see that scene playing out differently in my mind. A scene where I’m the frazzled toddler looking to be comforted. The things in my past that weight me down - the argument I had with the five year old this morning, the frustrations I’ve felt when the baby doesn’t nap, or the not-so-nice words I’ve said to my husband, or my irritated reaction to hearing “Mom!” for the billionth time that day - these are all big emotions for me too. The guilt, frustration, anger, and the shame…they leave me looking for someone to say “Hey you’re going to be alright.” Someone to pick me up off the concrete and fix my owies. I stumbled across this verse from 1 John 2:28 - And now little children, stay with Christ, live deeply in Christ, then we’ll be ready for Him when He appears, ready to receive Him with open arms, with no cause for red-faced guilt or shame when He arrives. 

 

Like my son immediately looked for me when something wrong happened, I hope and pray that I continually look to my savior in times of comfort! To live deeply in Christ - what a beautiful display of words. I hope and pray that I can be rooted in Christ, and that it allows me to model that relationship to my children. Even after a long, and I do mean LONG, day of parenting this zoo - I know that the only true peace is found in Christ. There is absolutely nothing I can do or know how to do, that will make me a perfect mom. There is no such thing. But I can try my hardest and trust Jesus with the rest. I start my day with “Jesus help me” and I end my day with “Jesus help me”.

(And while I’ve been writing this, I’ve heard “Mom” approximately 58 times)

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