Words For My Daughter

 

 

My daughter will be five in July and she can light up a room just by walking into it! She is a performer, she is funny, and she is just fun to be around. Many of her qualities I wish I had in my own life. She loves with her whole heart, and that girl loves Jesus! Deep down to her core, she lives for Jesus! But she also struggles...greatly. We are coming up on the one year mark to her diagnosis and I sit here still in disbelief but also humbled that we are walking this road.

Last year, I started to notice things in her that I did not think were normal. In my momma's mind, I did not want to think there was something wrong with my child but the outcome was getting more painfully obvious by the day. I can remember one day we were doing dance class via Zoom (Thanks, Covid), and I was right next to her doing it with her. One second she was laughing and having fun, the next second - she was gone. Her eyes glazed over, she was unresponsive, and just in outer space. I yelled her name and I shook her shoulders and she still wasn't coming to. About 30 seconds later, she came back and acted like nothing ever happened. These episodes continued to become greater in intensity and intervals. I'd like to think she was staring into the heavens talking with Jesus. After her EEG scan, we were on the way home when I got the call with the words "It was abnormal". There is something wrong with my child. Nobody wants to ever hear those words. It was heart wrenching to hear, but luckily her prognosis is looking good and we are praying she grows out of it eventually. She was diagnosed with childhood absence epilepsy on May 6, 2020. She takes medicine twice a day for it and we have noticed a significant decrease in seizure activity since then. However the medicine comes with a hefty list of side effects. She has really good days and really bad days. The bad days are emotional, defiant, depressed, and overly tired. I'll never forgot on one of her bad days, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me "Momma, what's wrong with me?"

My heart has been broken before, but hearing this question from a four year old is like next level anguish. I've studied up on everything related to epilepsy and her condition. Did you know the bible talks about a boy with epilepsy? Matthew 17 talks about a boy that has seizures that is considered demon possessed. The disciples could not heal him, but Jesus healed him, proclaiming "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains. For nothing is impossible with God."

I'm not saying my daughter is demon-possessed, but I am saying our God is a healing God. Even as a thirty-something woman, I lay awake at night asking myself the same question...."What's wrong with me?" And the truth I'd like to tell my daughter and all of you is that there is nothing wrong with you. You were made in the image of God who makes no mistakes. You are more than the number of likes, shares, and followers on your social media. You are more than the number on your scale and the number in your bank account. You are more than your grade point average, your college degree, and your job title. You are worth more than every blemish you see when you look in the mirror, because God calls them perfect in His sight. You are more than the way people treat you and talk about you. And you are more than your disease and the side effects of the medication! You are beautiful, you are worth more than rubies, and you are hand-picked by God. You have purpose in your bones and God has amazing plans for you. As many times as I need to remind myself of this, I need to remind my daughter on a daily basis as well. We all have our own demons, don't we? Things that we would like to forget about? The thorns in our flesh and the pains in our butt? But I want to say stay strong, have faith, trust Jesus for healing, and watch the miracles happen. If you are hurting today, I pray this gives you strength and encouragement you need.