Help! I need somebody!

 

 Yesterday was world mental health day and this one hits home with me. While I think everyone suffers from feelings of sadness and depression at times in their lives, this is not something to be taken lightly. The events of this last spring left me in that kind of dark place. While I refer to these events often, it was the most traumatic experience and a life changer. This morning I felt compelled to share these things with you.

To begin with, I want to acknowledge that this covid season has left many people feeling lonely and in depression. While I may not understand the seriousness of other's pain, I definitely get it. At the beginning of May, we were dealt with the diagnosis of our daughter's epilepsy. Knowing something isn't normal with your child definitely takes its toll on your mental health. You do everything you can to protect your child and keep them healthy, but out of nowhere you start to realize little things that are not healthy. We went to multiple doctors until we realized she was actually having seizures. Thank God the neurologist we see now was quick to establish medication and it has been working great! However, the day after we received her diagnosis was the day Kinley and I were involved in a very bad car accident. My mental health was already staggering and now it was diminishing quickly.

The accident happened on a Thursday morning. On that Sunday morning, also Mothers Day, was when we found out the other driver had passed away. On Mothers Day, leaving her two daughters without a mom. It was also the day before her birthday. This was the total knock out moment for me. I kept storing up all the blame, guilt, and shame. Even though I knew it was not my fault, it was still my vehicle that killed someone. If I didn't think depression was real before, it truly hit like a Mack Truck now. In those days, I cried a lot, I felt helpless and angry. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone take care of my kids. It even now hurts me a little to admit that, but my kids suffered because of my depression. Luckily, I had an awesome immediate family that supported me and helped me as much as possible. While I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol, I turned to fitness particularly lifting weights. I thought if I could make myself stronger physically, I could make myself stronger mentally. While it boosted my confidence a little bit, it hardly scratched the surface of my depression. I finally broke down and came to the point of saying "I need help". 

I went to a therapist and honestly it was the best thing I could've done at the time. In those first sessions, I felt like all I did was cry. But it was okay...she understood and helped me through it. She brought up a verse in 2 Corinthians that says "Take captive every thought and make it obedient to God". I realize this is easier said than done, but it truly makes you think about everything you put in your mind. While I was telling myself that I'm unloved and unimportant, God is telling me that I am unconditionally loved by Him. Why is it so easy for my kids to ask me for help 50 times a day, but yet so hard for us adults to ask for help just once? A side effect of my daughter's medication is that it can make her emotional at times. She will often feel sad and cry over little things, but she will say "I just need a hug". And isn't that what we all need at times? Someone to listen, care for, understand, and say "I love you and will keep walking alongside you". Mental health is not something to joke about or just ignore. If you need help, ask for it. It can truly change your life. Always know that God is here, willing to listen and hear your cries. He sees every tear and holds them in His hand. What you say about yourself is so much less than what God says about you. You matter, You are beautiful, You are strong, and You are meant to do great things.