Heaven is a place on Earth
There is no heartbeat. The words that no expectant mother or father want to hear. Yet this same phrase was told to us three years ago. Those four words carry more hurt, anger, and trauma than anyone could know unless you have been through it yourself.
Today is my baby's birthday. Not either of my two children here with me, but my baby in heaven. A day I will never forget and always carry with me. I don't think it's a coincidence that my current bible reading comes from Psalm 139 - "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together." "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." These passages have crept their way back in my heart several times throughout my life. I find myself reflecting on this scripture a lot lately especially in the difficult times. How comforting it is to know that God knew me, personally, long before I ever breathed a single breath? It is even more comforting knowing God knew my babies long before they were ever a twinkle in my eye!
The grief of a miscarriage is very real. Three years ago, all I wanted was to move on and leave it in my rear view mirror. It's something raw and honestly we are made to feel guilty and embarrassed by even talking about it. But today I want to talk about it and the events that have brought me back to remembering that moment three years ago. After we lost the baby, as a way to feel some sort of closure and comfort, we felt that it was a boy. We gave him a name. As a joke, I often teased my husband that only a boy would bring that much stress into my life. Months passed and we moved on.
Fast forward and we now have a beautiful and healthy little boy who's about to turn two. However there will always be a little part of me that wonders who that baby would've been or what he would've looked like. My four year old daughter often talks about seeing Jesus in our vehicle at the time of our car accident. However a week or so after the accident, she started talking about something that still gives me goosebumps. It was at the supper table one night when she randomly exclaimed "Jesus was holding a little lamb and a baby". My husband and I thought she was referring to a book we had read. She kept denying it and repeated that Jesus was in fact holding a baby in our vehicle. When we asked her what baby she meant, her answer was "He was holding my baby brother". We told her that her brother was sitting next to us at the table and kind of laughed it off. However she answered "No momma, my other baby brother".
If you don't believe in miracles, talk to my four year old. If you think I'm crazy or lying or filling her head with this, I can guarantee you that I am not. We have never talked about it or mentioned it to her, so she would have no way of understanding this. What I do know is that Jesus is holding my baby just like He was holding onto us. And He's holding onto you. Maybe you've experienced a miscarriage - I'm right there grieving with you. Maybe you're just going through some other difficult season - He is right there with you. He knows every day of your life and He wants you to know Him. Every life deserves a chance and I give praise to the Giver for giving us this sweet portrait of Heaven coming down to Earth. Every night after the kids fall asleep, I sneak into their rooms and just look at them. My heart gets so full just thinking how beautiful they are. And friends, that’s what God does with us. He gazes at you with affectionate eyes, thinking how beautifully He created you. Take heart and comfort my friends, Jesus is holding onto you and will meet you where you are at!
Today is my baby's birthday. Not either of my two children here with me, but my baby in heaven. A day I will never forget and always carry with me. I don't think it's a coincidence that my current bible reading comes from Psalm 139 - "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together." "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." These passages have crept their way back in my heart several times throughout my life. I find myself reflecting on this scripture a lot lately especially in the difficult times. How comforting it is to know that God knew me, personally, long before I ever breathed a single breath? It is even more comforting knowing God knew my babies long before they were ever a twinkle in my eye!
The grief of a miscarriage is very real. Three years ago, all I wanted was to move on and leave it in my rear view mirror. It's something raw and honestly we are made to feel guilty and embarrassed by even talking about it. But today I want to talk about it and the events that have brought me back to remembering that moment three years ago. After we lost the baby, as a way to feel some sort of closure and comfort, we felt that it was a boy. We gave him a name. As a joke, I often teased my husband that only a boy would bring that much stress into my life. Months passed and we moved on.
Fast forward and we now have a beautiful and healthy little boy who's about to turn two. However there will always be a little part of me that wonders who that baby would've been or what he would've looked like. My four year old daughter often talks about seeing Jesus in our vehicle at the time of our car accident. However a week or so after the accident, she started talking about something that still gives me goosebumps. It was at the supper table one night when she randomly exclaimed "Jesus was holding a little lamb and a baby". My husband and I thought she was referring to a book we had read. She kept denying it and repeated that Jesus was in fact holding a baby in our vehicle. When we asked her what baby she meant, her answer was "He was holding my baby brother". We told her that her brother was sitting next to us at the table and kind of laughed it off. However she answered "No momma, my other baby brother".
If you don't believe in miracles, talk to my four year old. If you think I'm crazy or lying or filling her head with this, I can guarantee you that I am not. We have never talked about it or mentioned it to her, so she would have no way of understanding this. What I do know is that Jesus is holding my baby just like He was holding onto us. And He's holding onto you. Maybe you've experienced a miscarriage - I'm right there grieving with you. Maybe you're just going through some other difficult season - He is right there with you. He knows every day of your life and He wants you to know Him. Every life deserves a chance and I give praise to the Giver for giving us this sweet portrait of Heaven coming down to Earth. Every night after the kids fall asleep, I sneak into their rooms and just look at them. My heart gets so full just thinking how beautiful they are. And friends, that’s what God does with us. He gazes at you with affectionate eyes, thinking how beautifully He created you. Take heart and comfort my friends, Jesus is holding onto you and will meet you where you are at!
Beautiful. Im sorry for your loss- my heart greaves with you at the loss of my own little boy this past February. I often think of my Heaven baby and all the friends he has there, especially the friend he has in Jesus. I often "see" Jesus holding my precious little baby in a white recieving blanket as I pray before I fall asleep. I ask Him to hold him tight and give him lots of "kisses from Mommy." Loosing a child is something you never forget. Thank you for sharing about your experience. Opening up about our struggles and sorrows is how we can help other mothers who experience the same!
ReplyDeleteMuch love from your sister in Christ,
Chayah